After an extremely difficult couple of months, where I seemed to just be going though the motions of working, distracting myself, and trying new materials in hopes of learning a new material language/way of seeing, it would finally appear that I am finally beginning to draw correlations in my work.
The materials chosen link both my past work to my present, and link my subconscious processing of difficult subject matter to a larger aspect of my personal character and motivation.
I have a hard time letting things go. Ask any of my friends who really know me. I ruminate about problems, analyze the past, try to draw conclusions of what could’ve been done differently, and project people I knew (who had some kind of positive influence on me, not the negative ones) into spaces in my mind, thus never really leaving them. I do this in hopes to understand, to see all sides of the coin, and to not repeat mistakes in the future. I do this because I love people. I love to understand them, what motivates them, how they are different than myself, how they are the same. I have traveled many places and met people who I still think of. If I find common ground emotionally with someone, in my heart, we are linked for life…even if it is only in my imagination, even if I never hear from that person again.
I think of this, my inability to let go, to preserve, to stop the decay of life, to halt time, to hold onto a moment. And I think to myself….well this is also what you do in your work.
The next few weeks will involve exploring the ideas of Decay, Ruin, and Preservation in a philosophical as well as literal and material sense. I have found a new division in my work, which runs between materials that will never decompose/rot, and materials that last only as long as I control their environment. This element of control and loss of control is interesting to me, as well as the idea of WHY we preserver things at all, why we are so afraid of loss, and what we do to fill that empty space. Even portraiture can be seen as a means of eternally preserving a moment in time. Are my works portraits? Are they memorials? Are they tombs? Ruins? Perhaps a combination of all of these things.
Books I will read are Irrestible Decay by Michel S Roth, Clair Lyons and Charles Mereweather, and Fascination of Decay by Paul Zucker. I have also watched A Zed and Two Noughts, a film by Peter Greenaway.